Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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