just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
