They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I looked at my own cervix.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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