My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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