For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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