i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
