I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
