Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
