Yo dont text me then not text me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
