bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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