my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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