im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
