I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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