Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
