I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
