i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Alive.
So much puke
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
