Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
