A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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