I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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