took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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