i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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