You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
