Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
