he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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