I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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