I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
