I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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