shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
