i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
