Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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