you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
