I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
