uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
