dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I need water and some morals
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
