yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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