So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you win again, gameday.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
