Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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