Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
