Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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