UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
