Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
