I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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