I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
