she woke up with a sticky ear
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
