That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
