I need to stop coming to work sober
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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