Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
