why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
