would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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