I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
